They Sway Me With Their Fancy Words

I've heard some weird things in my time, and while I can think of the best ones (my memory is shit. SRSLY) I thought I'd write them down. If you enjoy them, then all the better.
:D

(Macca putting women in their place)
"It's a rule of the world that naked girls have to do what men wearing clothes say."

Me: It's my birthday soon. You'd better get me something pretty.
Him: I'll get ME something pretty, and you can play with it.

(listening in on Jones and Makala)
Makala: Know why I fell for you?
Jones: The huge penis?
Makala: No, I fell for you before I knew what your dick looked like.
Jones: No, it was the huge penis. When I took it out and started playing pool with it. It's the only party trick that always gets you laid.
(it's the party trick that never fails...true story)

(when I made Jones shave his beard)
"See, this is why I won't let you have nice things. Because you won't let me grow majestic facial hair."

(Macca explaining to me how much he dislikes Coors Light)
"If you gave me a car made of diamonds and blowjobs all day I still wouldn't drink that beer."

(Alla, explaining to me exactly what my problem is)
"A small part of you is made of RETARD."

Me: So you're all right with vegan bread?
Horatio: I wasn't aware that there were any animals in bread, unless grain has become a form of life that must suddenly be preserved.
Me: I'm going to make you a meal that's nothing but vegan bread, yellow mustard and flat Coke.
Horatio: Why don't you just cut off my thumbs and call it a complete evening.

(speaking of vegan, this is Rob on the subject of vegan condoms)
"What the fuck is a vegan condom, a hollowed out carrot? And why don't you just cut your dick off, is that vegan too? It's meat, so you shouldn't want it."

Some of my friends make me laugh so much.



♥